What Next?
I feel as if I have lost an awful lot of sleep in the last few years, as if catching up on it all would put me out for months. Sleep in my teen years was feast or famine. Which side of the covers I was on was decided by what was spinning in my head at the moment, the phase of the moon, or how much coffee I had consumed that day. It was nothing at all for me to stay up all night writing, down in the basement bedroom I shared with my older sister (then, later with my next youngest.) I might read long hours into the night as the rest of the house slept if the mood struck me. On the other hand, each Sunday was chiefly divided between sleeping until about 1 pm and doing my laundry (which later sat in piles-sometimes folded- at the foot of my bed until they found their way into the hamper again.) Except for the commitment of school, my time was mostly my own, flexible enough that I could stay up or sleep in as fit my mood or creative cycle. And it all seemed to balance out. I don't remember ever feeling so sleep-deprived that I couldn't catch it all up in a single session of sleeping in. Oh, I still had trouble with the alarm clock on mornings when I needed to be up for school. I still swore and attacked the thing when it ended a peaceful slumber with its jarring reminder of responsibility. I learned to set it on the table across the room to keep myself from shutting it off and returning to dreamland before I fully came into the waking world. Once I'd taken a walk through the cold room, it was easier to think coolly and clearly about getting up, making some coffee, and starting the day. Yet, for all the times I had to trick myself out of making it another sleep-past-noon-Sunday, I never felt so behind on sleep as I do these days.
Going to night classes for a while really brought the deficit into focus. In the rare moments when I could reflect, I realized that my days were packed, from the time I opened my eyes, with one thing after another- work, projects, problems, chores, appointments- and the list of "must do" stretched my days long past a sane bedtime. Weekends were no better. It was too short a sleep followed by non-stop movement until I reluctantly returned to bed with chores still unfinished. The debt of sleep racked up nightly in that period. Now that the program is over, and I feel the pace has slowed, I've still got the nagging feeling that I've left something undone. It's difficult to put the brakes on and consciously budget sleep time. Instead, I find myself looking around for what to do next.
I know that sleep is important. Budgeting time for relaxation in general can help ward off stress and illness, making me happier and healthier. But sleep, specifically, is known to recharge your brain, to keep your various body processes running the way they should, and give you the dreaming time you need to face your daytime challenges. It all makes sense. Logically, getting a good amount of sleep should be on that "must do" list. I've made time for building relationships with the people I love. I've made time for visiting parks and being out among green things. I've made time for exercise. I've made time for fun. All of these steps are things that are not strictly considered constructive. They don't have obvious output or a clean measure of accomplishment. Yet, they are clearly important for health and happiness, and I've been able to make a point of making time. Perhaps, it's the passive nature of sleep that's kept it from joining all the rest on the list of things I do that are just plain good for me. I end up in bed with the wheels spinning, wondering what I should be doing before the day is over. If I try to view sleep itself as the thing to do, will it make me feel better about doing it, or will it just ratchet up the pressure on those nights when sleep is difficult? We'll see.
The one thing that is clear is that I am moving into a new phase. Changes are happening all around me, and there are different responsibilities, different patterns of life. Change happens all the time, of course, but every once in a while, big events happen around the same time. If you're aware of the conjunction, you can watch the metamorphosis of your life and maybe even plan how best to direct the adaptation into something more positive.
There are losses. With my husband's job responsibilities potentially taking him out of state for weeks and our son's move across the country, our house may seem more empty in the days ahead than it has ever been in the past. Still, in recognizing that, I have an opportunity to find a positive in the negative space. My temptation is to reach out for something new, another task to fill the time, something else to add to the slate. But, in doing so, I would just be continuing the old pattern. I would not be recognizing the gift of change that's presented. Who I want to be is not merely more busy. I want to be happy and healthy and more engaged in doing those things that make me feel like me. So, I will build my new life with an eye to that end.
Going to night classes for a while really brought the deficit into focus. In the rare moments when I could reflect, I realized that my days were packed, from the time I opened my eyes, with one thing after another- work, projects, problems, chores, appointments- and the list of "must do" stretched my days long past a sane bedtime. Weekends were no better. It was too short a sleep followed by non-stop movement until I reluctantly returned to bed with chores still unfinished. The debt of sleep racked up nightly in that period. Now that the program is over, and I feel the pace has slowed, I've still got the nagging feeling that I've left something undone. It's difficult to put the brakes on and consciously budget sleep time. Instead, I find myself looking around for what to do next.
I know that sleep is important. Budgeting time for relaxation in general can help ward off stress and illness, making me happier and healthier. But sleep, specifically, is known to recharge your brain, to keep your various body processes running the way they should, and give you the dreaming time you need to face your daytime challenges. It all makes sense. Logically, getting a good amount of sleep should be on that "must do" list. I've made time for building relationships with the people I love. I've made time for visiting parks and being out among green things. I've made time for exercise. I've made time for fun. All of these steps are things that are not strictly considered constructive. They don't have obvious output or a clean measure of accomplishment. Yet, they are clearly important for health and happiness, and I've been able to make a point of making time. Perhaps, it's the passive nature of sleep that's kept it from joining all the rest on the list of things I do that are just plain good for me. I end up in bed with the wheels spinning, wondering what I should be doing before the day is over. If I try to view sleep itself as the thing to do, will it make me feel better about doing it, or will it just ratchet up the pressure on those nights when sleep is difficult? We'll see.
The one thing that is clear is that I am moving into a new phase. Changes are happening all around me, and there are different responsibilities, different patterns of life. Change happens all the time, of course, but every once in a while, big events happen around the same time. If you're aware of the conjunction, you can watch the metamorphosis of your life and maybe even plan how best to direct the adaptation into something more positive.
There are losses. With my husband's job responsibilities potentially taking him out of state for weeks and our son's move across the country, our house may seem more empty in the days ahead than it has ever been in the past. Still, in recognizing that, I have an opportunity to find a positive in the negative space. My temptation is to reach out for something new, another task to fill the time, something else to add to the slate. But, in doing so, I would just be continuing the old pattern. I would not be recognizing the gift of change that's presented. Who I want to be is not merely more busy. I want to be happy and healthy and more engaged in doing those things that make me feel like me. So, I will build my new life with an eye to that end.
More time for reflection.
More time for writing.
More time for being instead of doing.
More time for sleep.
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