Help Yourself

On the way to choosing her goal of a library science degree, my daughter explored the fields of philosophy, psychology and social work. Despite this obvious interest in how people see the world and her desire to help those who are suffering or seeking, she has a profound dislike of the self-help industry. Not too long ago, we discussed her strong feelings on the popular books and methods, their gurus and followers.

She didn't disagree with their advice on all counts, even noting that many of the "new" ideas were recycled from the philosophy and religion of other cultures or historical periods. Her primary objection seemed to be the marketing of that advice.

Authors of self-help books and leaders of self-help programs may begin with the best intentions, but often end up using classic sales techniques to push the notion of a quick fix on a public that is all too willing to buy that impossible concept. Mankind is always seeking, feels the need to figure it all out and find the perfect happiness we suspect is lurking just beyond our grasp. We know that we are not perfectly happy, so we assume that the solution must come from somewhere outside ourselves. Somebody else must know the way. We have only to find the person who has the secret and follow his map. The self-help industry relies on this false perception. Present a pretty package with confidence and hopeful people will buy it. Then, when they fail to find the perfect happiness it promises, they will blame themselves for falling short. Or else, they will assume that they just didn't pick the right one and will reach for the next shiny promise that catches their eye.

Now, seeking is not, in itself, a bad thing at all. Neither is listening to the advice or philosophies of others, and neither is offering that advice. If I thought that they were, this blog would not exist. The trouble is in a couple of faulty assumptions.

The first illusion: that there exists a perfect state without unhappiness, conflict, or suffering. When we believe that we can and should live in this blissful state at all times, we view our lives as imperfect without it. There's something wrong with us, or the universe is against us. We can often dramatically increase our happiness just by letting go of the need to be happy all the time. I suppose this is one of the key concepts in Buddhism, and one worth contemplating before buying into any self-help scheme that promises perfect happiness.

The second illusion: that happiness comes from outside ourselves. Certainly, there are things outside ourselves that can affect our mood, and we can affect the mood of those around us with our actions. There are things, activities, or people we like or dislike. There are certain basic comfort levels that can make it easier or harder to maintain a happy outlook, but in the end, it all comes down to how you perceive and react to the world around you. A speaker at a recent staff meeting said more or less the same thing, but I was reminded of this truth in a particularly relevant way when my husband and I babysat our very young niece and nephew. Never is this principle more apparent than when trying to calm a fussy baby. Once you've run down the list of physical accommodations (food, warmth, diaper changes, etc.) a crying baby has to decide to be comforted. As much as you may sympathize with her despair, you can't give a child happiness. No amount of cuddling, rocking or singing will work until she has chosen to let it work, and there is no difference when we grow into adults. It is unreasonable to expect happiness to come from anywhere else if we cannot generate it for ourselves.

The third illusion: that there is a one-size-fits-all way to live our lives. This illusion is the basis for so many self-help philosophies as it is for most organized religions. Despite the firm conviction that we are all connected, it is readily apparent that we are also individual. There is a huge variety of human beings with different cultures, different temperaments, different opinions and different passions. To think that every one of these unique beings could respond in the same way to a universal recipe for peace and happiness is absurd. When our children were young, my husband and I presented them with information on each of the major world religions and many of the minor offshoots. The idea was not to offer them options to choose from so much as it was to awaken them to that broad variety of thought. We discussed similarities and differences among these many ways and how they might relate to our children's personal beliefs. In our household, there was no single "right" religion, but a great deal of value placed on seeking the pieces that fit the individual. As a result, our children grew up with a fierce dedication to thinking for themselves and protecting that freedom for others. I suppose that's why my daughter opposes the conventional self-help industry.

Where do we go from these seemingly opposite ideas? How do we find the middle ground between thinking for ourselves and treasuring the wisdom of the past? How do I continue to write and share my ideas without engaging in the sort of self-help atmosphere that ultimately helps so few? The answer is in the encouragement to think for yourself.

Thinking for yourself is not the same as thinking by yourself. Mankind progresses not because one man discovers the one way and convinces everyone else of his superiority. We move forward because we share our thoughts. We inspire each other. We talk about our ideas and philosophies and respect each others' viewpoints even when we don't agree with them.

I explore other religions and philosophies, read others' blogs and books, and talk with people about spirituality not because I expect to find the one key to everything there. I do so to absorb what bits of wisdom fit me right now and to understand the world from a different angle. I offer these essays to spark others to find their own philosophies as well as having a means to meditate on things myself. I encourage you to look around yourself, to listen to old and new ideas alike, to discuss and filter it all through your own beliefs. Keep the bits that resonate and decline the parts that don't.

We can think of it all as a daily potluck dinner. Each of us brings a dish we like, but we can sample from all the dishes offered. It doesn't matter if your plate ends up filled with a different assortment of foods than your neighbor's plate. We all like different things, and our appetite today may be different from yesterday. What we eat today may influence what we bring tomorrow, but the variety will always continue. Philosophy and spirituality as a whole can only benefit from such a celebration.

Welcome to it, add your dish to the table, and help yourself.

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