Forgiveness

Compassion should not be restricted only to those we feel deserve it. This is a hard lesson to learn, particularly when we think about those who have personally wronged us. Forgive your enemies. Turn the other cheek. These may seem like platitudes spoken only by those who have never really been hurt. But, the wisdom and the practice of forgiveness grows its strongest roots in those who have been wronged. Such offenses and injuries can be great teachers of compassion if you only see the opportunity.

There are lessons to be learned in contemplating our wounds, and they begin with this: holding on to bitterness is a wound of its own, and it is a self-inflicted one. Refusing to forgive only keeps the offense alive, allows it to fester and scar, and closes your spirit to all hope of healing. You may think that withholding forgiveness is some sort of revenge on your offender, but often they either don't realize it or don't care, and all you do is poison yourself with the action.

The second truth we can discover is the humanity of our offender. Even the most heinous wrongs are not committed out of some cartoon-style evil. People have reasons for what they do, and although we may not agree or may find those reasons difficult to comprehend, they are there. Your offender may have made rash choices, may have been reacting to pain in their lives, may even be ashamed of the way they treated you. They are human. When you are aware that there is a story behind every pair of eyes you meet, forgiveness becomes easy.

I don't mean to suggest that we should meekly ignore bad behavior or excuse those who cause pain without question. By all means, we should defend ourselves and others against wrongdoing, even if all we have the power to offer is a word against it. We should not allow ourselves to be abused or accept a pattern of bad behavior without protest. That's not what forgiveness and compassion are about.

Letting go of past wrongs and washing away bitterness are the essence of it. Moving forward in your life without the weight of grudges is the key, and recognizing the humanness in the mistakes of others can bring you real peace.

You might think, isn't it my right to be offended? I don't owe them forgiveness. It's particularly difficult in the middle of a conflict to think of your offender's point of view and offer the empathy and understanding they aren't giving you. But, the truth is you owe it to yourself and to the spirit that links us all to be free of bitterness.

We are all human. We are all fumbling through our lives and falling short of perfection. We stumble and need to pick ourselves up and go on. Every one of us is capable of being thoughtless, afraid, ignorant, petty. This does not make us any less worthy of compassion. That right is ours for merely being human. If we close the door on a wrongdoer, we also close out the very human possibility of change for the better. Forgiveness and compassion are good for offender and offended alike because they leave the door open to healing, learning and a future possibility of happiness.

I'll end this post with a poem my husband wrote about my father. It doesn't speak directly of forgiveness. It is rather, a quiet observation of the fragility and humanity present in a man I once saw as my nemesis, but who is now truly forgiven in my heart.

Pop-

Never call him a cowboy...

Weathered hands coiled length after length

Still with strength

Eyes bright and sad, brows

Upright

Stares in the distance at a P-38

Remembers when he flew his plane

And broke horses, all day long

Stalls

Wise pools look around

Pasture close

Continues to coil length after length

Of oxygen tube, tying him to the tank

Sitting in the room's corner

As he sits back in his chair, surrounded by

Plastic planes.

Saddle unused in the room's corner

Given honor to years gone by

He smiles, finding humor in his plight

He will always be

A horseman

~J.R.C. 8/3/09