Reunion

     Families are communities, though we may not always think of them that way because they aren't communities of place like the town or country where we live.  They aren't communities of time either, like a high school graduating class or even communities of purpose like a club, a job, or a church group.  Most people don't choose their family, and it's not the sort of community you can decide to quit usually.  Nevertheless, it is one and is subject to those group dynamics like any other.

     Whenever you put two people together, you will discover differences of opinion.  When there are three, there will be alliances, disputes, stratification and evolution.  Families are no different.

     A few weeks ago, my husband argued with one of his brothers.  It began as a simple online discussion about whether the pledge of allegiance to the American flag should be recited daily in grade school classrooms.  It flared suddenly into a full scale debate, then exploded into a huge argument with shouting, threats, name calling and hurt feelings.  After the last in a series of dramatic phone hang ups, I gave my husband a look that asked if he might have gone too far.  However strongly they might feel about the subject, it was a silly thing to destroy a relationship over.  He reassured me that the fight was temporary, and trusting in their decades of experience with each other, I decided to stand clear and let them work it out in their own way.

     In the meantime, a small group within his family was planning something special for the annual family reunion on Labor Day weekend.  They wanted to make this year's gathering especially memorable, and to reinforce the feeling of family unity at the event.  His family tends to be particularly creative and enthusiastic, so they threw themselves into the effort wholeheartedly.  Unfortunately, in taking the reins and making changes and decisions, certain other family members took offense.  The resulting argument spun out of control despite a fair and respectful approach by those who wanted to contribute their new ideas.  Rather than seeing the family spirit and enthusiasm for the positive things that they were, some seemed to have only bitterness in response.  I won't go into details here, but it was the same sort of squabble that erupts anywhere when people feel their power and authority are challenged.

     The rift resulted in one small faction laying claim to a family relic, an American flag, and the rest ultimately ceding it to avoid the pettiness and bickering.  The family reunion went on, as it has for more than  twenty years now.  Though the original flag will be missed, what it symbolized remains and has been augmented by two new flags with powerful meaning in their own right.  The disgruntled faction was absent, though that fact was not unusual.  It was notable only because of their very vocal declaration of their reasons.  My husband and all of his  brothers attended, talked and sang and joked around the campfire.  The brother he had fought so fiercely just a few weeks past laughed with him about their argument.  They stood together, reciting the pledge of allegiance to the new American flag flying over the gathering.

     It turns out that, as is usually the case, there were other factors creating the sensitivity that charged their argument, but both realized that it was a small thing next to their love for each other.  Probably, the silly squabble over the reunion plans has similar roots, but the difference is in how each problem was approached after the damage was done.  In one case, both sides blew up, cooled off and recognized the value of respecting their differences.  In the other, one side turned petty and bitter and chose to trade their relationships for a hollow material victory.  We can hope that reflection will cause a change of heart in that self-exiled faction, but as it stands, their choices have cost them more than they've won.

     There will always be disagreements in families and in other communities.  True unity comes not from all members thinking alike or from blind loyalty to the perceived pecking order of the group.  True unity will always lie in the willingness to recognize the good you create together despite the ways you are different.